Wednesday, October 31, 2007

the professor is dead!

scarlet here, folks. sit down and take a deep breath... i got some hella bad news to lay on you: professor ichbonnsen is dead!!!

he died doing what he loved -- huntin' da monstas., that's like a good thing, right? (uh, not the dying part, i mean)

and it's not as if we didn't all see it coming. the guy's hunting MONSTERS -- how do you think he's going to bite it?, not that i'm saying it's his own fault, mind you.

damn. i'm gonna miss that grumpy bastard.

ok, you want to know what happened. well, i wanna TELL you what happened! jus' lemme try to find my stuffy voice, so i can science this all up like the prof would.


k -- i'm in my zone...

professor ichbonnsen and his sooper-duper sidekick were off to find the amazon dragon. this thing is supposed to be a football field long -- and prolly hungry nuff to swallow the home team, pep squad, and all their little dogs, too.

prof's got that wad'o'cash burning a hole in his pocket. so we rent ourselves a helicopter guy. TWO EYES on this one. (makes a difference -- eye-patches are a sure sign of evil... you're paying attention, right?!) we hire this guy to take us as close as possible to the DRAGON'S LAIR.

gawd i love saying that!


anyhoo, what's "as close as possible" you ask? search me. as close as mr. now-i'm-paranoid-as-well-as-delusional is comfortable with, maybe? he says that we need a clear spot for putting the boat into the river. (did i mention we bought a freakin' boat? well, we did.) i guess maybe that really was it.

of course, it woulda been nice if we could put down PAST the cannibal-witch-doctor-poison-blowdart-shooting natives!


'scuse me. i don't KNOW they were cannibals. i jus' figure. (very unscientific of me... bad scarlet! no biscuit!)

k, so i'm not kidding, folks. we fly out into the crazy sweat-shoots-out-of-your-pits-no-matter-how-much-old-spice-you-wear humid jungle... copter boy puts us down easy, then breaks out his you-are-so-not-doing-what-i-think-you're-doing playboy to read while he sits on his ass and waits for us... i, SUPER SIDEKICK get the boat motor to start... we're heading up the river and THEN

(ready for it?)

blowdarts! like, a dozen natives heard us coming and decided to roll out the welcome mat.

i know! i know! it's totally indiana jones! ...LOVING IT.

so, we get through the gauntlet (ooh! good word, scarlet!) and then... well, we keep boating on. um, not much more to say about that.

anyway, we get maybe 3 hours away from copter boy, and then ditch the boat. we get out and walk to where the DRAGON is supposed to live. it's only like 10 minutes away.

there's supposed to be this lake there... and we find it alright. 'cept, the water's pretty much gone. just a big muddy hole in the ground there now. yum.

the professor, he's going on like usual... he says, yes, this is the place... but where's the water? and he's counting out paces, and saying "it ought to be over here..."

well, i can complain, cuz i spent every day with the guy, and pulled his arse out of the fire more than once -- but no one better put down my proffy where the science is concerned! sure nuff, back behind some big rotting trees, there's a cave entrance. and just like he figured, it looks like this thing used to be underwater -- so this must be where the DRAGON used to come out.

and we look down and -- guess what! -- there's the DRAGON we've come all the way out here to find!

'cept, i should really write it [dragon] -- cuz this kitten, he's tiny! he's like the size of sausage... no -- bratwurst. not even a fine, spicy kielbasa.

"is it a baby?" i ask.

and proffy, his mind is going bangbangbang -- he sees the bigger picture! this DRAGON was supposed to be a hundred yards long when the portuguese soldier found it. but then, it kept being smaller every time someone sees it after that. and -- hey look! -- the water just happens to be all gone now...

mr. studly ichbonnsen figures that this is the one and ONLY dragon -- and that it needed water to be big... like maybe there's special minerals dissolved in the cave down there...

maybe an earthquake caused the water down below to drain off... or maybe peoples diverted the water for crops or stuff. who knows? not me.

so this is all we get: a little cocktail-dragon.

the professor was really looking forward to this. like he said, "i always wanted to see a dragon." that's all i can think of to explain it...

he actually picks up the sausage. it's sitting there in the palm of his hand, and he's glaring at it -- almost like it's the dragon's own fault that it's so darned tiny.

it was kinda cute, actually. looking up at him with these little beady eyes...

but then bit him.

and the professor -- he goes stiff as a board, and FALLS DOWN.


it gets even better than that, too! this mud is like quicksand or something -- (maybe slowsand, now that i really think about it) -- cuz the prof is slowly sinking into the mud, head-first!

i grab him by the feet and pull him out. dragon-butt wriggles away... whatever -- i gotta take care of my monster hunter!

i check for a pulse... it's getting slower and slower. i do the suck-and-spit maneuver, trying to get the venom out. i don't know that it did any good, though. only thing to do, so far as i can see, is to get him back to town and find a doctor!

so that's what i do. i drag the prof to the boat. and, yes, he's a heavy bugger -- but i eats ma spinach. we're back at the boat in nothing-flat, and it's GO GO GO!

c'mon, engine, start!

out of my way, crockigator -- no time!

poison darts whizzing past my ears again -- but i can't even pause to enjoy it.

copter boy! get the rotor spinning! ...don't ask me questions, just DO IT!



and then when we finally get the prof to the doctor...

after all that...

he has the NERVE to tell me that the professor is dead.

...c'mon, doc! do the electric paddles thingy, just for me?

but, no.

the professor -- he's...

he's dead, jim.


so, there ya have it. he's dead.

dead, dead, dead.

i'm using a chunk of the "blood money" to get him a good coffin. i'm going to stay here with the body overnight -- (just you try to pull me away!) -- and then tomorrow he goes in the ground.

then... i dunno. i guess i go home.

or maybe i head to brussels. the prof has notes, unsolved files... i could take up the good fight.

couldn't i?

well, i'll write at least one more post. i'll let you know how the funeral goes, and then that's it.

what a sucky way to end monster month. :(


gl. said...

oh, my god, scarlet! that IS a sucky way to end monster month! and so sad, too: "i always wanted to see a dragon." after all you've been through, it's just SO sad. but then, maybe this is how we would have wanted to go.

you acted admirably and heroically. keep in touch via the blog or let us know where we can read about your further adventures. surely they can't keep a girl like you down for long. ;)

Shelley Noble said...

Are you done having your fun yet, Scarlet? Get your ass home. School has started and your chair is m-t.